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Annual Dinner
Hilary 2002
Speech by Richard Campbell

Good evening! Frog and I would like to welcome you and thank you for coming to Oxford University Walking Club's Annual Dinner 2002. It has been a good year for the club ... fun trips, enjoyable rambles, drunken socials and a good helping of fantastic walking!

Yes, it has been a good year for the club ... except of course for the national tragedy of Foot & Mouth Disease. It has to be said that there was a distinct lack of Baa and Moo in the club last spring, except of course for myself and Barney. Moo, Barney Moo !!! - [Barney and Richard exchange Moos for some time] - Speaking of which, Barney made a guest appearance on the Yorkshire Dales Trip in October. John Seymour, Andrew Thompson and I were in a pub in Brompton-on-Swale in Yorkshire and Barney come over to us and lay down on the floor. I said "Barney's gorgeous!" and John said "Barney's made my night". But then Barney rolled over and we all winced: Andrew said "he's showing us his bollocks ... and now he's licking them", to which John said "I wish Barney was neutered, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that". At which point our night really was made when the barman shouts over "Get up Barney you big tart!"

Yes, it has been a good year for the club ... there were some summer walks including a 4-day trip to Hadrian's Wall and Northumberland National Park. We did do some walking on that trip, although sight-seeing of Roman remains, a night out in Newcastle and a barbecue seemed to make the social side of the trip far more important. Indeed, the participants came up with some acronyms for the club: the 'Club of Ramblers and Pyromaniacs' or CRAP, the 'Beer And Roman Forts Society' or BARFS, the 'Society of History And Meandering' or SHAM, and finally the 'Walking And Nattering Club' ... um, I'll leave you to work that one out!

Yes, it has been a good year for the club ... lots of fun social events: who can forget the Valentine's Party? - [silence] - OK, let me rephrase that question, who can't forget the Valentine's Party? You see, we hired a large room and there was a major panic to get the professional PA system in working order and get the decorations ready for the masses. In fact the masses arrived two hours later and consisted of an ex-Committee member and a mate of the President. I'm sure it was nothing to do with the pharse, the phrase 'come and see Blind Date presented by Phil Roberts in a dress'!

But the Hallowe'en Party was well cool. I had put in the termcard that John and I were going to get dressed up, and we duely obliged. John came dressed as a pumpkin, which consisted of wearing my orange sleeping bag over a duvet wrapped around his waste, with a fetching pair of orange tights and green hairspray. I dressed as a Mummy, but instead of bandages I used a roll of double-sided sellotape and six Sainsbury's economy toilet rolls. Unfortunately, after no more than a few minutes, John appeared to have an orange robe dangling from him and looked more like a Bhuddist Monk, and all of my pieces of toilet paper had ripped along the perforations so I had lots of strips hanging from me making me look like a white version of Big Bird out of Sesame Street! The Hallowe'en Party was certainly a good evening for Simon and Katherine, who got together that night ...

Yes, congratulations to Simon and Katherine! Also well done to two couples who are still together since we last gathered, namely Chris and Jennifer, and Dave and Rachel! As for other somewhat newer relationships, well I have to say that although I'm biased the sweetest couple by a long way is Frog and me - [pause to hold Frog's paw] - but also, well done to Chris and Debs, and Andrew and Heather, congratulations! Yes, Andrew's three-H progression was superb: from Hand to Hannah to Heather, awesome! I remember on the Lake District Trip in February, I was gathering all the sleeping bag liners. I went into Andrew and Heather's room to collect their two liners and there was Andrew holding one sleeping bag liner, and on his face was the biggest grin I ever seen in my life!

It has been a confusing year with three Andrews: in fact Sarah Haydock found it so hard to distinguish between the three Andrews that suitable nicknames have evolved throughout the year. First, there's Andrew Thompson who is 'Poo-Andrew' because he does his final year project on the subject of sewage, then there's Andrew March who is 'American-Andrew' interchanged with 'Loud-Andrew' which needs no explanation, and last, but certainly not least, is Andrew Peacock who is 'Rude-Andrew'. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting him then then I will demonstrate how he has acquired his name.

Yes, so this leads us nicely on to this year's character assassination: you guessed it ... it's Rude-Andrew! Well, before I start, can I quickly ask if there is anyone here, apart from John and I, who have any Welsh blood in them? - [silence] - damn, I was hoping there would be someone to help us beat the shit out of him later! Well, let's just say that there are more tactful people in this room than our Rude-Andrew. To demonstrate his supreme tact, after Andrew's latest insult on the Welsh, he asked that very question to John and me, and we took delight in telling him that we both had Welsh relatives and that he had put his foot in it again!

Probably the best example was on a Leader-Training Weekend in January 2001, when we walked into a pub in Deiniolen in Snowdonia. The locals were speaking Welsh and there was a definite hush when 14 of us walked through the doors. Yet dancing away in the corner was this 'ugly lady in a bright pink dress', to which Andrew remarked in a not-so-quiet voice "if that's what the women look like round here it's no wonder their men turn to sheep"!

Then there was the time where he managed to offend the French participant in the group. In Duddon Estuary Youth Hostel in the Lake District Trip in February, he picked up a board-game called 'French Chatter', which is designed for children to pick up some phrases in French, and he read out a question from a speech bubble on the box: "wouldn't you like to tell us French a thing or two?", to which he nodded and said that he certainly would, well within earshot of her! Thankfully, Andrew has told me that he has nothing at all against the Germans, which is good news seeing as Wiebke is sitting next to him this evening! But quite seriously, Andrew told me the other day that he would like to work as an officer in international relations! I tell you my gast has never been so flabbered in all my life. It really is quite a scarey prospect because I don't think that our national economy can support that many wars!

Having said all this, I must confess that I could have been more tactful myself on some occasions. One example that springs to mind was when we stopped for dinner in Weston-Super-Mare on the way back from the Cornwall Weekend Trip in May. We looked at a menu in the window of an Indian restaurant and decided that it was too expensive, but as we walked away a waiter came to the door and called out "please come in, it's quite nice", to which I shouted back "sorry mate, we want very nice"! Yes, that particular trip provided a couple of interesting minibus diversions, which I will come onto shortly, but this leads us nicely into this year's chart ... sponsored by Hotson's Eurodrive, I would like to present ...

Oxford University Walking Club's Guide to Minibuses

In third place: starting the minibuses!

The best example of this was on the Pembrokshire trip in November, when the group ended up having dinner in the King's Arms because the minibus broke down in Broad Street! When the minibus actually made it to Pembrokeshire, it had to be jump-started every time. However, a drunk local did help the group by showing exactly which bit of the engine to hit with a big stick when it wouldn't start! Chris Gribble repaid the kindness of the locals by thrashing them at pool, to which they were not particularly happy.

In second place: minibuses and narrow lanes

On the Pembrokshire Trip in June, the main A-road between Newport and Fishguard was blocked on the Sunday. Thankfully there was a random man with a dog, whose official status we didn't even doubt, who pointed us up a lane. All was well until the third 'road narrowing' sign appeared, which made us particularly edgey because by that time the stone wall lined road had become narrower than the minibus. We managed to get down with only a few dents and scratches, but then the lane until we came across two very steep 180-degree, hair-pin bends. Three of us ran up the road to greet three cars coming the other way and persuade them to drive into two different fields and wait for fifteen minutes. I did ask one of the drivers if he knew the road: he said he did so I explained that a minibus was coming the other way, to which he laughed. But then came one of the funniest sights I have ever seen in my life of the minibus eventually coming up the hill after having made it round the steep bends. There was this terrific roar of the engine and all of a sudden the top of the minibus came into view, then we could see Rebecca desperately holding on to the steering wheel whilst crawling along with her foot on the floor, then finally into view came eight people running like the clappers in front of the minibus, because the minibus couldn't really stop on a hill that steep but the road was so narrow that the others couldn't get out of the way, absolutely fantastic!

In first place: minibus navigation

Yes, on the Cornwall Weekend Trip in May, I had decided that as it was Bank Holiday Weekend, it would be best to avoid the motorways by Bristol, so it would be best to go on the back-roads south of Bristol. But after missing two turnings I was having to use all my skills of navigational bluff when Alima exclaimed, with her typical enthusiasm, "I can't believe we're going through Bath city centre, it's so pretty" ... I just kept quiet whilst thinking to be honest neither can I! Then on the way back from Cornwall I took a nap in the back of the minibus, but half-woke up to hear someone say "where did Gloucester come from?"; I assumed that I must had mis-heard so I drifted off again. Then I woke up again to hear Alima, who comes from Birmingham, say "how can there be another Birmingham in England?" to which I gave up all hope of getting an early night so went back to sleep! I really do believe though that it was a truly impressive effort for us to drive from Oxford to Cornwall and back, whilst accidentally going through both Bath and Gloucester!

But there were also the events of the Dartmoor Trip in November when there were two minibuses full of participants: three times my minibus set off before the other one, but we managed to get sufficiently lost each time to arrive after them! The third time was classic because we left the Youth Hostel and turned left. As we approached the end of the road I said "go right", to which Simon Procter, clearly having no faith in my navigation, swung into a Petrol Station on the right. I explained that I had meant right at the end of the road, not out of the Youth Hostel or even into the petrol station, so we got back onto the road and turned right at the end. We drove for a few more minutes before I burst out laughing and asked Simon to find a roundabout to turn round: it was in fact a right-turn out of the Youth Hostel! One great quote from Simon that weekend will stick in my mind for a long time: he said "Richard, anybody could have made any of the mistakes you've made, but nobody else would have made them all"!

On that note, I would like to finish; ideally by thanking many individual members for their dedication and commitment to this wonderful club, but unfortunately if I try to do that then I am bound to miss out some people who should be mentioned. So I will be contented with thanking the other two Presidents this year, Andrew Thompson and Barney Stratford, then I will go on to propose another toast - [Andrew and Barney!] ... the only way this great club works is through a joint effort from the committee, the leaders, the drivers and the participants; without any of whom the club could simply not function. So I would like to thank all of these people by proposing a toast to the healthy future of Oxford University Walking Club - Oxford University Walking Club !!!